...now this is when you answer, in unison throughout the blogosphere, "Hi Rob!!"
In late 1979, out of nowhere, I began having a series of thoughts regarding numbers, images, and order. I would have to "work through" these in a certain order, correctly. If I messed up or did not think of the number or image in a "correct" fashion, I would have to start over again.
Other parts of this include having to move my head in a certain way while thinking of something, not able to stop until I get it "right".
In spring 1980, I'm playing golf in the backyard. I had a putt just a few feet from the hole on our "B" course. (I'll blog about my golfing days at age 13 another time). I putted, and made the shot. But I did not make it "correctly". So, I'd retrieve the ball, return to the place where I was and shoot again, but, before I'd putt, I would "whisper-shout" to myself, "This is the last time EVER!!!". Didn't matter. In fact, saying that particular sentence probably ended up as part of the "routine" that had to be done.
Other tics through the years?
---Some clothing I cannot touch or even want to see (plaid shirts, oxford shirts, blue jean shirts....) and, if I see it while I'm eating, eating comes to a complete stop.
---How many times can you make sure the front door is locked before leaving home? Enough to make sure you're not overwhelmed driving/riding down the road in a car/bus, etc.
---Driving down the road, you hit a bump. But you just know you hit someone. So, you find a place, turn around, and go back to check. Sometimes, the first time doesn't "confirm it enough", so you turn around and go back a 2nd time.
The first time I ever talked to anyone about this type of behavior was my incredible friend (and still to this day) Ginny, sitting in her front yard one afternoon after school our senior year. For some reason, I felt comfortable enough to explain some of the "rituals" I battled. No, she couldn't diagnose it, but, for the first time, someone knew my opponent, and that was a big plus.
Friends? Most of them were kind enough to ignore the behavior. Family? Not so good. Several family members from 1979 to 1989 thought my strange behavior was best answered by telling me to, "Stop it".
That's the rub----you can't stop it. Unless you have a gallon of serotonin I could inject.
Finally, in 1989 (thanks for praying for me, Mama!!), we found the information that helped us diagnose once and for all what I had been through the past ten years.
I had Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder.
By the way, big, big kudos to my wife, who, after we were married, stopped at nothing to figure out what the heck was wrong with the deficient guy she had just committed to.
For years (thanks Pentecostals), I suffered through time after time of battling the thought that I was filled with demons because of all this bizarre behavior.
No, not demon-filled. Serotonin-challenged.
Serotonin is the chemical in the brain which, when in plentiful supply, prevents these types of behavior, which are basically (for those of you who remember records, albums, record players....remember??) like when the needle on your record player got stuck in the middle of a record and kept playing the same snippet over and over.
That's what happens in some of the behavioral aspects of OCD.
I'll talk more about this as time goes on, but I am going to, from time to time, blog about OCD simply as a reminder that:
1) It exists....
2) I am one of approximately seven million Americans who deal with it (and probably many others who are suffering in silence for they haven't been diagnosed)
3) I have been, and will continue to be, very open and very public about my OCD, my struggles, my triumphs, and my hopes to help anyone else who is or might join this long and winding road I have now traveled some 26 1/2 years.
BIG thanks to Elizabeth McIngvale, the national spokesperson for the OC Foundation (just 19!!) for sharing her struggles, which are much more difficult than mine, on ABC's The View this morning.
Click here to read from Elizabeth and get the basics on OCD. If you think a friend or family member has similar type behavior and it's never been checked, do so. You won't believe how much peace you'll feel, even though the OCD storm continues, when you discover you are not the only freak in the world behaving like this.
No, you'd be joined by me and seven million of my closest friends.
1 comment:
Great story. I've been there and done that, myself.
You're right - once you know what you're dealing with it's like a weight is lifted off of your shoulders.
Anyway, thanks for sharing your story!
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