....with week four being classified in several ways.
FAST! Easily the quickest of the four weeks since "the day".
FRUSTRATING! You get tired of signing up with job search engines, one, then another, then another.....
FRAGILE.....but only to a point. Wednesday was the first day I gave myself the day off and just slept.
Today (Sunday) though, I just couldn't pull myself out of bed (except to eat) until 9pm tonight. So I missed church and a chance to do something fun. :(
I guess this was the first of "those days", which I've had for years.
"Those days" mean spending all day in bed. Sometimes it's physical, sometimes it's because of depression, some days, it's both. Today was pretty much physical. If these days could limit themselves to only one per month, that would be a HUGE improvement over what life has been like. :)
I couldn't bring myself to read today's Classified ads in the paper; so I'll do that Monday and resume the search then, as well.
I do have a unique opportunity this year to do what I've wanted to do for years, and that is send out Christmas/Holiday cards to everyone I want to. At least I can't blame "lack of time" this season! I look forward to connecting, if only via card or letter, with either those I haven't seen for awhile, or those I no longer can see.
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I haven't mentioned my first trip back to the stations....it was Friday PM (pick up the check time!), and since Bonnie worked all day long and couldn't go, it was left to me. So, Rachel was wonderful enough to go in the building and ask for the person who had the goodies (I emailed her to say we were coming by), and out comes Rachel with the former co-worker and an envelope. I talked with her, waved at another co-worker, and shook the hand of a third, never having to leave the van.
I'm thankful wifey has been kind and dealt with everything so far that has required someone to go to the building, so I haven't had to.
Rachel was so cute Friday. On the way to the stations, she looked up at the towers and said, "Daddy, even though you don't work there anymore, they're still your towers."
I smiled. She's right. Rachel will have some really fond memories of being there with me, and that is not just a source of solace, it's a source of great joy for me, both now and the final day I live.
Showing posts with label depression. Show all posts
Showing posts with label depression. Show all posts
Monday, December 03, 2007
Sunday, January 28, 2007
What a week......:) :)
This has been a great week for moi. Through no actions of my own, mind you. Others' plans motivate me to things not done in years, I'm reminded of the importance of communication in any way you need to (nothing illegal of course!!), and I see the aftereffects of the breakthrough over this weekend.
It begins Wednesday one week ago (Jan 17) when I received a forwarded email from my niece, announcing to us she was to be wed in one week. After reconnecting my jaw with the face, I talked with my wife via phone. Funny....looking back now this sure sounds like how wifey & I took the plunge.
Circumstances began to develop at the office Tuesday afternoon where I began to flirt with the idea of going to North Carolina the next day....for two reasons. One, to visit a relative, and two, get to the wedding. By late Tuesday, my mind was made up. So I worked ahead as much as I could, told two co-workers about my absence, and headed home.
Please note that I slept that night four hours straight, which is highly unusual (I usually don't go more than three without waking up), so I was getting rest and not becoming nervous.
Let me clue many of you in on the following fact: January 24th marked the 1,333rd day since I last left the Commonwealth of Virginia. This issue has been one of the MAJOR stumbling blocks in my comeback battle against depression. My last visit to N.C., in 2003, was a disasterous weekend which only left me dying to get home. I never wanted to be too far from home.
I made it to Virginia Beach once, and Skyline Drive once, and Charlottesville once between June 1, 2003 and last Wednesday, but never could cross a state line. In past attempts to go south, I would back out the morning of.....the last attempt I got as far as the Burger King drive-thru next to the interstate where I boldly told my wife to take me home.
I know the entire situation has been very negative on my wife and especially my kids, plus my relatives in North Carolina (brother, sis in law, niece, and Dad) would be continually disappointed that I didn't come with the rest of the family.
From the moment I woke up Wednesday morning, I had an absolutely different feeling. NO NERVOUSNESS at all concerning the impending trip. I left around 9:15 and headed south on I-95.
I did not know how I would react when I got to the Virginia/North Carolina border, but I did know that I was getting more excited as the miles past, whereas anytime in the past 3 1/2 years I would have been getting closer and closer to throwing up, most likely.
At exactly 11am, the van crossed the border into North Carolina, my eyes full of tears, my heart filled with joy. And looking back, I think going alone was the way I had to do this. It was me, CD's, the radio, and God, for four hours down, four hours back.
Proving I hadn't been in NC in a long time, I took US 264 East rather than US 64 to head to New Bern, and ended up in Greenville....panicking. The wedding started at two. Time was running out. Yikes!!
About a half-dozen cell phone calls to my brother later, I'd finally gotten back on track. He told me to meet him in a parking area where workers at a plant park their cars, then head over to work. I almost past the road he referenced without realizing where I was; it came together, and I slammed on brakes to turn into the "parking area", which I should have known, was an area of dirt and sand with several strategically-positioned ruts. After all, I am back in North Carolina. You don't need asphalt to create parking there! :)
I followed him to the church and arrived at 1:59pm. I was greatful to find out the wedding would start late, and NOT because of me. In fact, the bride (my niece) pulled in the church lot (which is paved) right behind me. My appearance was not revealed to her, so she met me at the van and gave me a big hug.
I went in the church, met people and figured out how to photograph this event, well, kinda. No one ever nominated me for "photographer of the month", but I ended up doing pretty good.
There weren't more than 20 people at the wedding, which was a very close-knit affair. I'd never seen a service like this before and probably never will. No one sat down. No one. The family and friends gathered all stood behind and around the happy couple. It wasn't crowded....my bro had proper room to give her away and step back, etc......it was the most intimate wedding scene I've ever seen and you could feel the joy of the couple, and of everyone else in the sanctuary.
Simply put, it was cool. My niece whispered her vows (did she really say them, Pastor?? j/k) and it only took a few minutes. Then it was done, and the avalanche of picture-taking began. There had to be a half-dozen cameras in action before, during, and especially after the ceremony. So, after lots of photo ops with the stars and supporting cast, we headed to the fellowship hall to enjoy the reception. I need to remind myself to post a picture of the cake, because I cannot describe the "bride/groom" topper....you just need to see it.
I was MADE to get in one big "family" photo (I told bro afterwards there wasn't to be any physical evidence that I was there...ha!), which I hesitated because, well, I wore a golf shirt and.....ah.....shorts. I didn't expect the affair to be quite as fancy as it turned out to be (my bad!)
Then we cleaned up and went back to Uncle Frank's house, where the bridge/groom eventually arrived. I enjoyed conversing with the groom's dad and sister from Iowa, and about 7pm, I realized I had to get on the road. So, I made one of the two trips I'd planned. I should've known my original itinerary was too much.
The four hour drive home felt like it took 90 minutes. It was the nicest trip home from NC I have had in years and years. What a day.
472.6 miles driven...left 915am, arrived home 1109pm. Richmond to New Bern to Richmond.
As I told my wife, as for the "ball and chain" of being petrified of being far from home, not only did I unlock the chain and walked away from that stupid ball.....I took the key, unlocked the chain, took it off my ankle, then lifted the ball with my good arm (hee) and proceeded to slam the ball into the ground, smashing it to bits.
That part of the depression recovery is DONE!!! And I made sure to take my niece aside and personally thank her for being the one responsible for this all happening. :)
There was only ONE disappointing event of the day, other than not making all hoped-for stops.
I didn't get to Smithfield BBQ (see a few posts down). But it was much more important to get to know new family members than eat hush puppies. I'll get them soon. :)
So, to Daniel and his new "Marine wife", my niece, Krista...congratulations and all the best. And lots of prayers for protection for Daniel, who returns to Al-Sadr, Iraq for another tour in February.
Then Friday night I was reminded that the best way to handle concerns, problems and insecurities was to talk about them (especially since the person involved gave me that good advice!), and it relieved worry and restored peace.
Then I woke up at 1130am Saturday and didn't have to go back to bed just hours later.
Then I slept in today to 230pm (didn't mean to sleep THAT late), then worked/enjoyed the rest of the day.
For those of you who have battled/are battling depression, you know where I've been, and some of you know where I am now. And I pray all of us, together, will, in our own journeys, be able to take off those chains and smash the balls into bits, getting another step closer to the man I'm supposed to be, and the person you're supposed to be.
1,333 days. It's over. Let's move forward. :)
It begins Wednesday one week ago (Jan 17) when I received a forwarded email from my niece, announcing to us she was to be wed in one week. After reconnecting my jaw with the face, I talked with my wife via phone. Funny....looking back now this sure sounds like how wifey & I took the plunge.
Circumstances began to develop at the office Tuesday afternoon where I began to flirt with the idea of going to North Carolina the next day....for two reasons. One, to visit a relative, and two, get to the wedding. By late Tuesday, my mind was made up. So I worked ahead as much as I could, told two co-workers about my absence, and headed home.
Please note that I slept that night four hours straight, which is highly unusual (I usually don't go more than three without waking up), so I was getting rest and not becoming nervous.
Let me clue many of you in on the following fact: January 24th marked the 1,333rd day since I last left the Commonwealth of Virginia. This issue has been one of the MAJOR stumbling blocks in my comeback battle against depression. My last visit to N.C., in 2003, was a disasterous weekend which only left me dying to get home. I never wanted to be too far from home.
I made it to Virginia Beach once, and Skyline Drive once, and Charlottesville once between June 1, 2003 and last Wednesday, but never could cross a state line. In past attempts to go south, I would back out the morning of.....the last attempt I got as far as the Burger King drive-thru next to the interstate where I boldly told my wife to take me home.
I know the entire situation has been very negative on my wife and especially my kids, plus my relatives in North Carolina (brother, sis in law, niece, and Dad) would be continually disappointed that I didn't come with the rest of the family.
From the moment I woke up Wednesday morning, I had an absolutely different feeling. NO NERVOUSNESS at all concerning the impending trip. I left around 9:15 and headed south on I-95.
I did not know how I would react when I got to the Virginia/North Carolina border, but I did know that I was getting more excited as the miles past, whereas anytime in the past 3 1/2 years I would have been getting closer and closer to throwing up, most likely.
At exactly 11am, the van crossed the border into North Carolina, my eyes full of tears, my heart filled with joy. And looking back, I think going alone was the way I had to do this. It was me, CD's, the radio, and God, for four hours down, four hours back.
Proving I hadn't been in NC in a long time, I took US 264 East rather than US 64 to head to New Bern, and ended up in Greenville....panicking. The wedding started at two. Time was running out. Yikes!!
About a half-dozen cell phone calls to my brother later, I'd finally gotten back on track. He told me to meet him in a parking area where workers at a plant park their cars, then head over to work. I almost past the road he referenced without realizing where I was; it came together, and I slammed on brakes to turn into the "parking area", which I should have known, was an area of dirt and sand with several strategically-positioned ruts. After all, I am back in North Carolina. You don't need asphalt to create parking there! :)
I followed him to the church and arrived at 1:59pm. I was greatful to find out the wedding would start late, and NOT because of me. In fact, the bride (my niece) pulled in the church lot (which is paved) right behind me. My appearance was not revealed to her, so she met me at the van and gave me a big hug.
I went in the church, met people and figured out how to photograph this event, well, kinda. No one ever nominated me for "photographer of the month", but I ended up doing pretty good.
There weren't more than 20 people at the wedding, which was a very close-knit affair. I'd never seen a service like this before and probably never will. No one sat down. No one. The family and friends gathered all stood behind and around the happy couple. It wasn't crowded....my bro had proper room to give her away and step back, etc......it was the most intimate wedding scene I've ever seen and you could feel the joy of the couple, and of everyone else in the sanctuary.
Simply put, it was cool. My niece whispered her vows (did she really say them, Pastor?? j/k) and it only took a few minutes. Then it was done, and the avalanche of picture-taking began. There had to be a half-dozen cameras in action before, during, and especially after the ceremony. So, after lots of photo ops with the stars and supporting cast, we headed to the fellowship hall to enjoy the reception. I need to remind myself to post a picture of the cake, because I cannot describe the "bride/groom" topper....you just need to see it.
I was MADE to get in one big "family" photo (I told bro afterwards there wasn't to be any physical evidence that I was there...ha!), which I hesitated because, well, I wore a golf shirt and.....ah.....shorts. I didn't expect the affair to be quite as fancy as it turned out to be (my bad!)
Then we cleaned up and went back to Uncle Frank's house, where the bridge/groom eventually arrived. I enjoyed conversing with the groom's dad and sister from Iowa, and about 7pm, I realized I had to get on the road. So, I made one of the two trips I'd planned. I should've known my original itinerary was too much.
The four hour drive home felt like it took 90 minutes. It was the nicest trip home from NC I have had in years and years. What a day.
472.6 miles driven...left 915am, arrived home 1109pm. Richmond to New Bern to Richmond.
As I told my wife, as for the "ball and chain" of being petrified of being far from home, not only did I unlock the chain and walked away from that stupid ball.....I took the key, unlocked the chain, took it off my ankle, then lifted the ball with my good arm (hee) and proceeded to slam the ball into the ground, smashing it to bits.
That part of the depression recovery is DONE!!! And I made sure to take my niece aside and personally thank her for being the one responsible for this all happening. :)
There was only ONE disappointing event of the day, other than not making all hoped-for stops.
I didn't get to Smithfield BBQ (see a few posts down). But it was much more important to get to know new family members than eat hush puppies. I'll get them soon. :)
So, to Daniel and his new "Marine wife", my niece, Krista...congratulations and all the best. And lots of prayers for protection for Daniel, who returns to Al-Sadr, Iraq for another tour in February.
Then Friday night I was reminded that the best way to handle concerns, problems and insecurities was to talk about them (especially since the person involved gave me that good advice!), and it relieved worry and restored peace.
Then I woke up at 1130am Saturday and didn't have to go back to bed just hours later.
Then I slept in today to 230pm (didn't mean to sleep THAT late), then worked/enjoyed the rest of the day.
For those of you who have battled/are battling depression, you know where I've been, and some of you know where I am now. And I pray all of us, together, will, in our own journeys, be able to take off those chains and smash the balls into bits, getting another step closer to the man I'm supposed to be, and the person you're supposed to be.
1,333 days. It's over. Let's move forward. :)
Friday, January 26, 2007
BREAKTHROUGH!!!
I have SO MUCH to blog about. So, I'm gonna go to bed and rest up before I share all the good news.
That's right, "all the good news". Us depressed people ain't supposed to say that, are we? :)
That's right, "all the good news". Us depressed people ain't supposed to say that, are we? :)
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